No no no

On my way to the gym to meet my trainer this morning (more of this later), I amused myself by listing & then spotting all the fashion faux pas that seem to appear after the vernal equinox.

1) Dungarees. I don't give a flying fuck if they are in this season. There are only two exceptions: If they are OshKosh & being worn by a child under ten or covered in paint as workwear.

2)Birkenstocks. No, I do not want to see your flat plates of meat. Why is it that Birkenstock wearers always have disgusting feet?

3) The belted trench coat. Ignore the fashionistas. This is a conspiracy to get more Burberry/Daks/Acquascutum* advertising in their magazines. I know you all want to look like Kate Moss in the Burberry ads but take it from a real life fashion editor: out of a studio they only work on tall, completely flat chested women. Otherwise think bag of potatoes with a string around the middle. And as for the shoulder straps, flaps etc, they just add bulk...and why would you want that?

4)Flesh colour tights - especially those with lycra. In fact, make that all tights with lycra - why do you want your legs to shine? It just makes your calves the size of a Premiership footballer's.

* Delete as applicable