Saturday, July 28, 2007

It never rains...

Just when I was super excited to return to Manhattan tomorrow, to my East Village home and to see the very nice American guy with whom I've been involved, my world over there comes crashing down around my feet. I woke this morning, turned on my PC before hopping to the bathroom, and when I came back saw a raft of emails. (Thank you Blog commentators: it's lovely when you engage with what I write).

My New York landlord had written, giving me a scant month's notice on my splendid East Village apartment, so I am homeless as of 26 August. And, even, better on the
feeling sorry for myself front, the American thought he'd better to write to tell me that he was still not over his ex-girlfriend. But that, if it was all right, he'd like to continue seeing me as, "I've been having a wonderful time with you". Mmm. I just love a good poisoned chalice.

But if my last, hideous relationship taught me anything at all, it was to have some self-respect. When someone says quite bluntly after a short time together that they will only be able to offer you so much, even though they love being with you, because they are not over their previous relationship it changes everything. I don't want to be second-best, the consolation prize keeping him on an even keel whilst he's dealing with the fallout of his last relationship. .

I do appreciate that he has told me this now, before I got too involved but I think it would have been easier if he had just said he wanted to stop seeing me, rather than offering me half a relationship. (Although, to be fair, he did point out that he had no idea what I wanted, that is perhaps I didn't want much more). Thing is, even in a short term thing, frankly one wants all the other's attention. Knowing that your lover's mind is on a previous relationship is harder to deal with than, say, mere incompatibility.

And I just can't escape the nagging feeling that, if I had said I wanted to carry on seeing him, by making his admission about his ex he'd played the perfect Get Out of Jail Free card, neatly abrogating any responsibilty for any future lack of emotional connectedness towards me because he had been 'honest' in the past about still not being over someone else. This whilst enjoying all the plus points of being in what is, to all extents & purposes, a grown-up relationship: regular sex, commitment, empathy, an on-call therapist, company, adventures, the feeling of being wanted etc etc etc.

I don't think it is fair to take and to enjoy all those things that go to make a great relationship if you aren't able to give them all yourself, regardless of the projected duration of said relationship.

And now my eyes & nose are still all pink like a bunny's and I still don't know what to do with myself at all. I've run out of tissues too. Gah.